Fear Changes Everything
by refallen
Summary: Complete. This is a very long one-shot about Lily & James. Follows OoTP. Credit to JK Rowling for some direct quotes


Author's Note: I don't own Harry Potter

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Side note: This is my one-shot that I've been wanting to write for a while. It took me forever to write and I KNOW it's very long, but I wanted it all in one chapter. Also, my friends are sick, so I don't want to bother them for beta, so this may have quite a few errors. I DID try, though, to proofread it all. Thanks and pls review nicely. -Refallen

* * *

**Fear Changes Everything**

"Would you still pick the giant squid over him, then?" a girl asked Lily Evans at the dinner table in the Great Hall.

"Oh shut it, Rebecca!" said Lily's friend Susanne, but she began to giggle. So did Aurelia, Lily's other best friend.

In response, Lily only narrowed her brilliantly green eyes. Through gritted teeth, she whispered, "Ok! I get it! Won't you two ever stop?" Her cheeks were as red as her dark hair. "I've been hearing this all day!" This only caused her friends, who were sitting across from her on the long Gryffindor table to snigger even louder.

Lily sighed dramatically to make it known that she was very irritated. When this had no effect, she decided to bury her face into a book that she had been reading. She was exasperated from the long day that she had, and all she wanted to do was crawl back into her bed. She knew she couldn't though because then everybody would assume that the rumors about Lily were true; then life at Hogwarts would be even more intolerable. From the corner of her eye, Lily looked discreetly at James Potter, who was sitting at the very end of the table with his best friends.

This subtlety completely failed as Lily realized that James was staring right back at her! Her heart beat loudly, and she felt her stomach churn. Feeling herself blush even more, she winced and looked away quickly. Still, she could feel his gaze. He had that highly amused look in his eyes, and he was slightly smiling. Lily was even more miserable from this. Fine! She'd stare at the bloody book throughout dinner if she had to!

As moments of pure discomfort passed, Lily zoned all the laughter and noise in the Great Hall out of her mind. She thought back to the morning, when the incident had occurred. Of course, everybody else had found it hilarious, except for her. Lily was quite an actress when she wished to be, and she turned each page with what seemed like great interest. In reality, her mind was racing with thoughts.

It was November 1st of Lily's seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She had even been chosen as Head Girl. This year was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness and fun. After this day, though, Lily was afraid that she wouldn't last until June.

Even though she was one of the brightest girls at Hogwarts, Lily was not the top student, though. No, that was a Marauder's job. It was James Potter's job. Extremely good looking with his raven black hair that always seemed to be messy (even when he didn't touch it), James was naturally bright and also very athletic. He was the captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team, and he was the Chaser. Translucent hazel eyes and a square jaw with a devilish grin made James all the more attractive to many girls at Hogwarts – but not to Lily Evans. She had never really been fond of James.

This was because James was quite cocky, even if he had many positive traits. Lily recalled the end of her fifth year, when she had told James off for being an egotistical prat. "You make me SICK" were the exact words that she had used. It truly annoyed her that he hexed any given student for bothering him, especially Severus Snape. This was exactly what James had been doing when Lily had told him off that day, in fact. She wasn't very keen of Snape herself, but she still didn't think it was right to bother him the way that Potter did. In fact, both boys acted childish and immature when they were around each other. It was enough to make any level-headed person irritated and disgusted.

Lily couldn't stand James Potter. She even called him an "arrogant, bullying toe rag" that day. Well, in many cases, it was true. He was very cocky and often behaved very obnoxious. He also had a bad habit of showing off, especially in front of Lily. For example, he'd always be messing his hair to make him seem "more attractive" and sometimes he even made his voice sound deeper around her. He was also seen showing off with a Golden Snitch that he had stolen from the confines of the school's quidditch supplies. It annoyed Lily to no end. Sometimes she completely lost her temper with him and exploded. This was very rare though, as Lily tried her best to ignore or avoid Potter.

This also proved to be difficult, since he was constantly asking her out. He did this in such a brusque manner that Lily didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. "Go out with me Evans" was his favorite pick up line. Lily had always said no. Who could go out with a boy who had such a "fat head"? She didn't like James, and she would never give him that satisfaction of having her as a girlfriend. It seemed that she was the one thing that he could not have. After all, why else would the one of most popular boys in school continually ask her out if it wasn't because he wanted the one thing he couldn't have? No, Lily would never give in, no matter how many times he asked her out or how much he bothered her.

There was something that Lily had never admitted about Potter to any of her friends, though. Maybe they were too kind to mention it, but she had a sneaky suspicion that they knew. After all, the entire school was aware of the fact that James Potter drove her insane. Still, nobody had noticed that Lily would have had to look pretty close to see that the genuine messiness of his hair was only** extreme** when he came off a broom.

Even Lily admitted to herself that James was, indeed, good looking and very bright. She knew, deep inside, that James was naturally smart, in a way that she would never be; she'd always have to work a little bit harder to get marks as high as his. In fact, Lily even considered him as a "James" and not just "Potter", although she was one hundred percent sure that he did not reciprocate this attitude; she only called him Potter to his face because he did not have the decency to call her Lily. She really did want to like James, but his actions and attitudes made her detest him! He made her furious.

Here she was, a muggleborn, who had to face discrimination and hear terms like "mudblood" constantly. She worked hard to be viewed as an equal in the magical world, instead of a lesser witch. She had risen above the criticism and bias, but it had been very difficult. At the same time, James Potter was a wealthy, spoiled pureblood that had spent most of his time at Hogwarts behaving like a cocky git! He always acted overly confident and he always took advantage of his strengths. He had so much potential, but all he had used it for was to play pranks on everybody else at school with his friends and behave like an arrogant fool! While other girls found James Potter to be desirable, Lily had found James to be rather repugnant at the end of her fifth year. She stalked off after yelling at him, but not before informing him that she'd prefer to date the Giant Quid in the lake outside of Hogwarts over him.

* * *

By sixth year, Lily had chosen to ignore or at least try her best not to acknowledge James. She didn't have to try very hard, because she was always busy with academics or with her duties as a Gryffindor prefect. That year, she had taken many classes, one of them being Advanced Charms. Lily was excellent at Charms, and she spent a lot of time planning her future career based upon her talent in this subject matter. If she wasn't busy with schoolwork, Lily was trying to catch up with her friends. This left little room for James Potter to enter her mind. Still, she did notice that James had eventually stopped asking her our altogether by the middle of sixth year. It shocked her a lot, and for a moment she missed it. This is because once James stopped being so arrogant, Lily had less reason to dislike him. And her pride could not accept this. Still, she carried on, forgetting him quickly as the year progressed. By the end of her sixth year, Lily had completely forgotten about James or his change of character. She hadn't even remotely considered whether James still liked her or not. 

On the last night before she left on the Hogwarts Express in sixth year, Susanne and Aurelia had spent most of the night chatting away with Lily in the Gryffindor Common Room. By midnight, they had gone to bed, leaving Lily alone to read a book in the peace and quiet. She was in a comfortable, squishy armchair on the far end of the Common Room beside the window, and she well hidden in this spot.

Suddenly, she heard the Common Room door creak open slowly. Lily didn't dare to move, but she listened intently:

"_Ouch, Wormtail, that was my foot!" cried the hoarse voice of a person who could only be Sirius Black. (Such strange nicknames that these Marauders have for themselves, though Lily to herself.)_

The Marauders were James Potter and three of his best friends, who decided to give themselves a name that reflected on all the mischief that they caused in school. All four Marauders drove Lily insane! Least of all was the shy and quiet Remus Lupin; she never understood how he could be friends with the other boys. Sirius Black, who could almost always be seen with James, was almost as cocky and unbearable as James himself. And Peter Pettigrew? Well, to Lily, he seemed like a tag-along, but she barely knew him

"_That was your foot? Oh I'm sorry. I just tripped over Prongs myself!" replied Peter Pettigrew._

"_Well, watch out and stop being clumsy! Next time, we'll surely get caught!"_

"_Well, personally, I thi-thi-think that this cloak has outgrown us. No?"_

"_For Merlin's sake, Wormtail, you're a ruddy Marauder! Cloak or not, you should be careful and undetectable!"_

_Another voice intervened. "Quiet, both of you!" He whispered sternly. It was James. "With you two bickering, it's a wonder that we never get caught! Just stop it, I'm serious!"_

_Sirius snorted softly. "No, Prongs. I am!"_

_James audibly sighed, but his voice dropped down to a very soft whisper. "He's fine, and I'm tired. It's been a long night. Let's head off to bed. I think next time we really should try and be a little more quiet. We don't want to get in any more trouble than we already have." _There was a dead silence. Lily was furious, excited, and afraid to be caught eavesdropping all at once. What were they talking about? Who was fine? What in the bloody hell were they doing outside of the Common Room at this time in the night? What trouble had they gotten into?

_James continued, "We can't be careless, mates. It's very important that nothing can happen to us or anybody else! We've already cut it so close hundreds of times; we just can't take that risk without using our common sense. Even now, what if some prefect or worse, Peeves, heard us tripping up to the Common Room. We have to say out of trouble!"_

_Sirius, in his best apologetic and sincere voice, said, "Prongs, calm down. We'll be fine! We've gotten this far, mate. It's doubtful that we'll get caught. Still, I promise not to argue with this clumsy git, and we'll all be more careful. All right?"_

_James continued. "Ok…It's…I'm…Sorry, Padfoot. I just keep on thinking about what would happen if…"_

_Peter was overall silent throughout this, but Sirius continued, "Prongs, mate. It's fine. I know. It's done, ok? And stop worrying about Evans, she'll never catch us!"_

Lily almost fainted. Evans?

_James replied defensively, "Nevermind about Lily."_

_Sirius chuckled softly. "Honestly, Prongs. I would have thought that you would have given up with her by now. Or at least you should have known that we can see right through you. This IS about her, right? You don't want her catching us or her seeing us get into real trouble?"_

_There was no reply from James._

_Sirius continued, but stating, "You're still crazy about her." He didn't say it accusingly, no, but he said it as if it were obvious – as if it was a fact or a law of nature_

_There was still no response._

Lily, on the other hand, wanted to scream a thousand responses: "I can't feel my pulse! Is this real? Well, does he like me or not? What is this? Merlin's beard!"

_Peter came into the conversation again. "Wait? Prongs, you still like Evans?"_

_James replied fiercely, "Shut it, Wormtail! I don't need all of Gryffindor to know, thank you very much!"_

_Sirius sighed. "Wormtail, where have you been? Of course he still loves Evans."_

_Peter responded with a dull "Oh"._

_James said quickly, "It doesn't matter. She'll never…still, I don't want her to see me get into trouble."_

_Sirius laughed. "This is mad, Prongs! You've never given up your duties as a Marauder for a girl!"_

_James replied, in the most serious tone that Lily had ever heard him use, "This isn't just any girl, Padfoot. This is LILY! I just don't want her hating me, even though she'll never care any more about me, ok. Please try and understand, I'm not trying to stop being a Marauder."_

_Sirius grumbled. "James, don't be daft. You've done so much. Stop being a Prat! I'm sorry I said that, of course you're still a Marauder first! But Prongs, mate, you've got to sop caring what she thinks or I'll hex you into next year! You're our best mate, and we don't want you to be upset over this. Don't worry so much. You can't stop being yourself just to impress Evans! You're not going to change the person that you are just to get her to remotely like you. That is NOT the James Potter than I know."_

_James sighed. "Well, um…Thanks!"_

_Sirius threatened James again. "I swear, Prongs, I'll hex you into !"_

_James cut him off. "NO! No, you're right, Padfoot. Maybe I'm taking this way too seriously…er, no pun intended. And you had better believe it: I'm a Marauder, first. Always and forever!"_

"_That's my boy!" Sirius exclaimed! _

All three boys laughed, as Lily felt her knees go weak. Was she going to pass out and give herself away? No! She heard them slowly go upstairs. Her own head was spinning with thoughts, and she remained in her seat for a long time. James Potter really felt that way about her? And he even called her "Lily". It was so surprising, and so…unbelievable. She would have never thought that James would think about her in that way, with such respect and…affection. Merlin, she didn't even think he was capable of it! She felt bad too, as she was the reason that James was going out of his way to change. It was a lot to take in, especially since it had been a whole year since she had called him an "arrogant bullying toerag".

But why hadn't she noticed these changes in James? AH YES! She never really gave him much consideration this year. Now that she recalled, James really didn't act like much of a prick that past year. He had obviously stopped asking her out, but she only thought that he had given up with her. She didn't really consider that he had changed himself. Now Lily realized that he had. It was like an epiphany: James had lessened his cruel and over-the-limit type of jokes on others. He had stopped playing with his hair, and he had even stopped playing with that Snitch! Severus Snape was a different matter, but still, Lily hadn't seen him pick a fight with "Snivellus" (as James and the rest of the Marauders liked calling him) at all. Maybe James just picked fights with Snape when Lily wasn't looking.

Still, Lily felt quite shaken and upset with the news that James still liked her. She had really believed that he had gotten over her; it never occurred to her that he was still very taken with her. Not only that, but he seemed mature and sensible for the first time in Lily's eyes that night. He had become more modest and less of a cocky prat. It amazed Lily, but it also made her miserable. She was responsible for making him feel so hopeless and sad. It was her that he was trying to change for. None of it seemed right. Lily didn't sleep very well that night.

The day after, as Lily stepped off the Hogwarts Express to Platform 9 3/4, she went to look for her mother and father. She was still reeling from the night before, but she couldn't share her feelings with anybody else. She was very upset, but she kept it hidden from even Susanne and Aurelia. Before she began looking for her parents, though, someone called her name.

"Excuse me, Lily." Someone tapped her shoulder.

As Lily turned around, she saw James standing there, looking rather nervous and awkward. Her first inclination was to say "What do you want, Potter?" or even "Shove off". But she somehow restrained herself and managed to let the word (or grunt) "Yeah?" out of her mouth without sounding rude.

His hazel eyes looked at her, scanning for any hostility. He opened his mouth to say something, but automatically shut it. There was a long silence, and then he finally said, "I hope you have a good summer." He said it resolutely, but he was still waiting for Lily's response.

Lily stood glued to the pavement, astounded. Her mouth was slightly open. She replied, rather stupidly, "I, uh…Thanks." Feeling the blood rush to her face, she quickly said, "Well, I have go…Bye", and she rushed off in the opposite direction, completely scared and on edge. She didn't even see the defeated, brokenhearted look on James' face. Later she would realize how he must have felt from that conversation: hurt and maybe even a little resigned. She hadn't even wished him a good holiday in return!

Lily felt confused and terrible and panicked all at once. Suddenly, she saw a whole new side of James Potter, one that she hadn't seen before. Confusion came from the worry of actually liking him or just not being used to his maturity and courteous manners. She did not think she liked him in a romantic way. She decided that she was just afraid of actually liking him as a person, since he no longer was that "arrogant bullying toerag". She was not used to a nice James either. She didn't know how to deal with it. What if she was nice to him and he got the wrong message? What if she was mean to him and then she seemed like a rude snob? It was a lot to take in, especially since James had sounded so serious when he said that he still liked Lily. Was she more than an object to her? Was it more than a game to him?

Summertime was slow for Lily. After spending most of her youth at Hogwarts, it was difficult to have friends at home in the muggle world. She couldn't rely on her sister Petunia, either, since the two girls had never really gotten along. Thoughts of James Potter crept into her mind only once in a while. Lily ignored these. She spent her time reading books or helping her mother in the garden. Overall, the summer had been quite dull, except for the small time that she had spent with Aurelia and Susanne.

* * *

When her letter from Hogwarts about seventh year came by Owl-post, Lily was so happy to become Head Girl! She nearly screamed with joy. Her mother and father were also very pleased. All her hard work to be a successful witch had obviously paid off. 

As Lily entered the Heads Compartment on the Hogwarts Express only a few weeks later, she received a great deal of shock upon learning who the Head Boy was. It was James.

"Er…hi." He said slowly, hoping that she would explode with anger or voice the inevitable question on the minds of many who had learned that he was Head Boy: How did he manage to earn that.

Lily couldn't believe it. Remus Lupin was obviously more qualified for this position. Still, she trusted Dumbledore and did not voice her opinion. Maybe James would really be an excellent Head Boy. Maybe Dumbledore saw something in him that many others couldn't. "Hello." She replied. The awkward silence that followed between the two would be the first of many.

"Congratulations on being Head Girl, Lily" he said kindly, with one of his most flattering smiles. Inside, for some reason, Lily melted. There he went again, calling her Lily, not Evans! He really had been trying to make an effort to be nice.

Quite unsure of what to say or do, Lily awkwardly gave a half smile back. "Thanks. Same to you." (She had to admit that this was not the kindest or the most original line in the world, but she really didn't know what to say.) Too scared to say anything more, she just sat in silence with James for the rest of the journey, trying not to think too much about what was to come the following year with him as Head Boy.

Surprisingly, James kept to himself and didn't really bother Lily. He entertained himself, reading a magazine about quidditch. He seemed pretty content, as if he didn't really care what Lily was doing. After a short time, he went off to greet his friends. Lily felt a bit relieved when she met with her own. She shared most of her experience with Susanne and Aurelia. She did, however, refrain from mentioning how nervous she was around James Potter after knowing that he still liked her…a lot.

This type of silent treatment or small-talk continued for a long time at Hogwarts. Lily and James only talked when they needed to, and even then, it was about their duties as Head Girl and Boy. They didn't seem to bother each other, and everyone was convinced that this is the way it was between the two. They were getting along, and that seemed perfectly fine. That is, many felt this way before the morning of November 1st.

Some time between the first day of her seventh year and November, Lily realized two things.

The first was that, no matter how much James liked her still, he did not seem to show it at all. Maybe, in fact, he had changed his mind over the summer, and he no longer felt that way about her. She realized that he really hadn't completely changed for her, either. It was more of a self-motivated change, made on his own. She sincerely doubted that she was the complete reason for his change.

James had really turned into a more responsible, less egotistical young man. Of course, the pranks didn't stop, even with him as Head Boy. But James was really fair, never taking points away from a house for no reason (including Slytherin) or giving detentions to people who didn't deserve them. He didn't abuse his position, and that made Lily respect him very much. She had expected him to do so, but she was thoroughly mistaken. And James didn't really concern himself with Lily anymore. He did things on his own accord, spending more time with his own friends. He had stopped trying to be the center of attention in school, and Lily hadn't heard him brag once.

The second realization the Lily had was that she was madly in love with James. Well, not exactly. "Madly in love" would be exaggerating, but Lily couldn't stop herself from being very attracted to James. After all, she had always admired his good traits. Now, he had even better traits. She really had no reason to dislike James Potter, and her heart had finally given in – deep inside, she knew that she liked James. He was so nice now, and he was truly handsome. He really seemed like a nice boy, and this feeling tormented Lily.

Part of the reason that she stayed away from him so much was that her pride would not let anyone else, especially James, know that she liked him. She had disliked him for so long, and she really didn't want to face the fact that she didn't anymore. Lily kept this secret, not even letting her friends know. She acted like James never really affected her, and she mastered the art of indifference, especially since she spent so much time with him as Head Girl. She cried sometimes, unable to understand why she just couldn't throw herself in the arms of James. It was also a bit of the problem that Lily really didn't know if James liked her or not! It was fear that drew Lily away from James, although she wanted to be much closer.

* * *

So, on November 1st, Lily woke up early, hoping to send an owl to her mother for her birthday. She showered and quickly got dressed, putting her robes on since it was still a school day. As she headed down to the Common Room, she realized that no other Gryffindor was awake and dressed at this time. She had her quill, and she looked on a nearby desk for parchment. She couldn't find any, so she pulled open a drawer on the small desk in her search. 

Suddenly, standing right before her was James. He was smiling affectionately, looking down at someone whom he was holding in his arms. Lily froze in astonishment and gaped at James. The girl in his arms was short, but Lily could only see the back of her head. The couple was laughing in a very loving manner. They were so close, and they were displaying this so openly. Lily felt her cheeks burn, and hot tears were brimming in her eyes. The laughter and the loving whispers continued, and Lily was outright furious. She didn't care if she was staring at them like this. All the frustration and loneliness and longing for James to hold her the way he was holding this strange girl consumed every particle in Lily's body. She couldn't breathe.

Suddenly, Lily was overcome with rage. Who was this girl? Who did she think she was, standing there, in James' arms? Lily wanted to rip this girl from James arms. She wanted to take her away from him. Moments passed. James and the girl continued talking, and now he kissed her! They didn't even notice that Lily was standing there, watching them intently.

That girl seemed familiar to Lily. She whispered, "James, you're wonderful."

She leaned up to kiss James now. WHO WAS SHE?

Lily was about to faint. Either that, or she'd kill the girl in a jealous rage.

As the James pulled the girl into the kiss, he easily picked her up and began to twirl her around.

And that was the moment of pure horror for Lily: The girl had dark red hair, which was long and curly; it fell to her hips. She had almond shaped eyes that were green as emerald. The girl in James' arms…_was Lily_.

Lily felt a jolt of fear. "AHHH!" she screamed. The Lily in front of her and James did not move. "Ahhhhhh!" Lily bellowed even louder. She was hysterical with fear, and all she could do was scream at the top of her lungs for someone to make this end. The couple did not move, but instead, continued to kiss. The Lily in front of her was in James' arms. What the bloody hell was going on? "AHHHHHHHH!"

"Whassamatter?" cried a masculine voice from above her. Another James came running down the stairs, with only his trousers and white shirt on. His tie was hanging around his neck. He looked bewildered and concerned, as Lily was white-faced with horror as she saw this second James.

By now, many students had come out of the dormitories to see what all the screaming was about. Many were still in the nightgowns and pajamas, rubbing their eyes and staring intently upon the scene in the Common Room.

This James' hazel eyes were wide with equal shock, and his mouth was hanging open. His couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Shaking, Lily pointed to the James and Lily who were in each other's arms before her, and said to the real James, "Make. It. Stop. Now."

Looking at Lily one last time, hesitant to go to her and comfort her, James decided that he really shouldn't with. She was very upset, and his face could tell what he was thinking: He knew all too well that he was that the last person that Lily would go to for comfort or help. In fact, she had not requested for the "couple to go away. Instead, it was an order.

James stepped up to the "couple". In a snap, the image had transferred to an old man and women lying dead on the floor. They had many physical similarities to James, and Lily realized automatically that it was his parents. James flinched, but he didn't back away. This confused Lily even more.

James turned to her and said softly, "It's a boggart, Lily. Don't be upset. It's nothing. Please calm down." He stared at her intensely, but he was being warm to her, not critical. His voice was comforting, and Lily stopped hyperventilating and panicking.

James then took out his wand and, staring intently at the imaginary figures of his dead parents, cried, "Riddikulus!" He said it clearly and loudly. There was a loud crack, and the image exploded into smoke.

He turned to Lily and smiled. Of all things, he smiled! "Are you all right?" He stretched out his hand for her to take hold of.

Lily was so embarrassed that she didn't know what to do. She had made such a fuss over a boggart! She couldn't even look at James in the eyes, so she stared at her feet. Her worst fear was being with James! What did this mean? The Common Room was completely silent, and all eyes were on Lily's shocked face, wondering what all of this meant. Obviously, they had seen the entire fiasco. Lily was appalled.

"N-n-no." she whispered. She struggled to look into his James's face, and finally forced herself to. She then contradicted herself by saying, "I'm fine. Th-thank you." With that, she turned away, leaving James and his outstretched arm in the Common Room. She shuffled up the stairways, and found her dormitory. She closed the door, and ran to her bed. Losing all self-control, she burst into tears.

* * *

Minutes later, Susanne and Aurelia came in and sat beside Lily. Many girls had gathered around them, so they took Lily (by sheer force) to the bathroom, locking everyone else out. 

Lily was still sobbing. "I don't know what came over me!"

Aurelia replied, "It's all right, Lily." She wet a towel and wiped her face, trying to calm her down, while Susanne pulled back Lily's long hair.

For a long time, Lily just sat their crying. She was humiliated because she couldn't even recognize the boggart that was in the desk drawer. She was humiliated because everyone had seen her screaming at the top of her lungs. Especially since she was Head Girl, she thought that this incident had made her look like a complete fool. And worst of all, James knew. Now, he knew that her worst fear was to be with him, and so then he must have known how much she really cared for him. It could be the only explanation for the Lily's boggart. _Her worst fear was giving in and letting herself to like, or maybe even love, James._

"No one thinks you're a fool!" cried Aurelia, almost laughing at Lily.

"Yeah, Lily. Everyone has a bad day. It was just a boggart, and that had no reflection on your feelings for James" said Susanne. "You're reading too much into this, dear. Everyone has an embarrassing moment in their life, and this was yours. Don't worry about it. No one will remember this by next week!" Susanne squeezed Lily's hand. "We love you, Lily." The three friends hugged.

Aurelia added, "What can be more embarrassing that falling off a broom and landing with your arse sticking out, showing everyone in class your knickers. Lily? Surely not this!"

Even though she was still upset, Lily giggled. "Oh Aurelia! That was three years ago!"

"Yes, but Sirius Black doesn't realize that!" exclaimed Susanne. They all laughed, as it was well-known that Sirius had a knack of remembering these minor little details of peoples' lives.

Susanne continued, "So if anyone gives you trouble today, I'll turn them into a flobberworm, Lily! For life. And you know Aurelia will too. Just tell them all to shove off: Lily nodded wearily. She was only sniffing now, thoroughly calmed down.

Aurelia finished, "Yeah. You just tell them to leave you alone! Especially James Potter." Lily's head jerked up, and she once again blushed.

Susanne hesitantly asked her, "Lily, do you like him?"

Lily just stood up and stated, "I've got to go and shower again girls. I'm a mess! Thank you!" She knew that she had just blatantly avoided the critical question, but she didn't care. She herself wasn't ready to answer it. She gave her friends a determined look, as if you say, "I dare you to make me say it out loud."

Being the good friends that they were, Susanne and Aurelia decided not to push it when they saw her face. Lily would come around in her own time, especially after what happened this morning.

* * *

As classes began, Lily found it rather difficult to pay attention in class. She was still embarrassed, and she could hear whispers all around her about the morning's events. 

"It was a boggart!"

"They were kissing"

"No, I heard they were –"

"Well, how is that her worst fear?"

"What does James Potter think?"

"He's so nice, helping Lily like that. If it were me, I'd hug and kiss him and ask him to marry me now!"

Lily rolled her eyes. She officially hated rumors. She had been hearing this all day long, and it was really taking a toll on her patience. Some people even confronted her about the boggart incident.

In Transfiguration class, Sirius rolled by her and whistled. "Wooohoo. Evans and Potter sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes a _boggart_, then comes marriage. Then comes your baby in a baby carriage!"

Lily wanted to instantly die. What made it worse was that she and the Marauders were the last few people to come to class, so she had to sit right next to Sirius.

Surprisingly, James stared intently at the chalkboard, not looking at or speaking with Lily once during the class. He even pretended not to hear Sirius's song.

Remus, on the other hand, scolded Sirius. "Padfoot. How many times did I tell you? Leave her alone!"

Sirius whined, "But I don't want to!"

Remus gave him a death glare.

Sirius knew he was pushing the limit, but he couldn't help himself. "Oh, ok. I'll stop!"

Stare down at your parchment, Lily. Stare down. Lily told herself continually to stare at the parchment, as it was the only way to prevent her from crying or worse, making eye contact with Sirius or James. Well, she didn't want to have to face Remus either. He was a good friend of hers. She spent the entire hour in class, simply staring down.

Stare down. Stare down. Ignore them. Stare down.

At the end of class, Sirius snatched Lily's notes and held them up in the air. "Now Lily Evans, do me a favor!"

"Black, please give me back my notes!" She was standing on her tip-toes in attempt to take back the notes. Unfortunately, Sirius was a very tall young man. He didn't even have to try to keep the notes from her.

Sirius gave a devilish grin and said, "Nope. Not until you tell James you love him!"

"Oh, Sirius, this is nonsense. I'm doing no such thing! Give me back my notes." Lily was losing her temper, not to mention any of the dignity that she had left.

"No, not until you – "

"Sirius Black, PLEASE give me back my bloody notes!"

"Really, Evans, this is not the attitude that I expected of you. You're not even close to getting these back."

"I'm warning you Black!"

"If you could just admit, you know, that you're head over heels for our mate here"

"You don't know what you're talking about, I do not!"

"Well, maybe you could at least say that you LIKE him."

Lily didn't even dare to turn in the direction that Sirius had pointed to, knowing James was there.

"Sirius Bloody Black!" Lily cried furiously, and she kicked Sirius hard in the groin.

"Oooof!" Sirius bent over in pain, and Lily grabbed her notes, breathing heavily.

"That was…MEAN!" she yelled at him. She grabbed her books and quills, and turned around to storm out of the room.

Instead she pushed straight into Remus, head first. She was pushed back, as was Remus, who winced with pain. He had been standing there all the time, and he had done nothing! Lovely. Bloody Lovely.

"Owe," Remus whispered, with a slightly amused look on his face.

Lily was so frustrated the she could have strangled Remus, just for being in the way, but she was distracted by the sniggering that she heard from behind her. Instinctively, she turned around.

No longer in pain, Sirius was outright laughing at her. Peter was sniggering beside Sirius. On her other side, James was standing. He wasn't laughing, but there was definitely some color in his cheeks. He was doing his best to suppress a smile, but his eyes were doing the laughing.

Lily was so angry at him. He hadn't done anything to make them stop; maybe he really didn't care for her anymore. It didn't matter. This was a terrible situation. She was surrounded by Marauders! This had to be the worst day of her life. No, it most definitely was the worst day of her life. Her own emerald eyes were blazing with fury and hurt. She looked at all of them, with complete rage and embarrassment.

"**This is NOT funny. It's not even close to funny. It's the absolute worst and - UGH!" she roared.**

She walked away from all four of the boys, without even finishing her sentence. This had been the worst part of her day, so things, she figured, could only get better. Luckily, she was right.

She didn't have to face the Marauders for the rest of the day, and by dinnertime she was feeling much calmer. That is, she was calm until that Hufflepuff Rebecca Huntington mentioned the Giant Squid. This comment sent her back into an overwhelming haze of humility.

* * *

As Lily pretended to read her book, she only recalled her past with James Potter with misery. She was hoping that there was some sort of charm out there in the magic world to turn back time. She never wanted to relive this day again. All this happened because she wanted to write her mum a bloody Happy Birthday card! 

"Oh no!" Lily cried out miserably. She slammed her book down. She had forgotten to actually send the letter!

"What's wrong?" Aurelia asked.

"My mum. It's just…I forgot. Because. – ugh! I have to go. Talk to you girls tonight!"

"Wait, but – Lily!" Susanne called out in vain. Lily had run out of the Great Hall, leaving her friends to question why she had left so abruptly.

Lily raced to the Common Room. She went to her dormitory and retrieved a quill and, alas, that necessary piece of blank parchment that had brought her all that trouble.

She raced down to the Common Room in a hurry, but she stopped abruptly at the top of the stairs. James was standing there with his arms crossed, waiting for her.

She glared at him, hoping that she had the meanest expression possible on her face. He looked rather handsome when he had that irritated look on his own face, but it didn't make Lily any less angry. "Dinner's not over, Potter. What are you doing here?" she asked him coldly. She stomped down the steps.

"I was about to ask you the same question, Lily," James replied in a cool, collected tone.

Standing face to face with him now, she retaliated, "None of your bloody business!" Before he had a chance to say anything, she walked away and sat down at a table nearby. She began to write her letter to her mum.

Seconds later, a wand was pointed at her. James was looking directly at her, but there was nothing menacing about him. He was completely calm looking. Firmly, he commanded, "Please stand up, Lily. And don't try anything funny, because I will hex you, I promise. I need to speak to you, and this seems to be the only way I can," he said.

Lily sighed. It was useless to try and get her own wand; James was an excellent wizard. He'd hex her in no time. She stood up and faced James, and the wand was still directed at her. "James, what are you doing?"

"Accio Wand!" he said loudly. Lily's wand flew into James' other hand. Well, now any chance of using magic to get away from him was gone.

"James Potter, what do you think you're playing at?"

"Lily Evans, do you love me? Do you like me?"

"What are you talking about James? Put the bloody wand down. What is your problem?"

"Just answer the question. How do you feel about me?"

Feeling rather pressured, Lily began to shake. "James, put your !"

"I don't understand you, Lily Evans." He interrupted her. His chocolate-brown eyes were glistening, and he looked sad, almost tragic. He looked defeated. "You used to say that you couldn't stand me. You said I was conceited and arrogant! But who's conceited now?"

"What? How am I conceited?" Anger coursed through Lily.

"I'm so nice to you. I don't ever insult you. I never speak down to you. For Merlin's sake, I stopped asking you out last year! So what is your problem?"

"James, I –"

He continued, but he didn't raise his voice even once. He spoke in a heart-felt manner, and Lily was so afraid of being vulnerable. The wand was still pointed at her, but his words seemed to be hurting her more. "I've changed Lily Evans. And don't tell me that you haven't noticed, because I know you have. So my only question now is, why do you still treat me like I'm not a human?"

Lily's mouth dropped. She wanted to say something meaningful, but all that came out, once she managed to close her mouth again, was, "I don't understand."

"Oh, I think you do, Lily. You're so cold and indifferent to me. You never speak to me, unless you have to. And we're Head Boy and Girl. You could at least be civil to me. And when I say 'civil', I don't mean that you shouldn't be rude. I mean that you can actually treat me nice, instead of acting like I'm a wall! You don't even make an effort to return the good attitude I have with you. Remember, that, a while ago, I told you to have a nice summer?" Lily felt a wave of guilt. "You told me 'thanks' like you barely meant it. It was as if you were incapable of understanding kindness when it was right in front of you – but that's only in my case. You didn't even tell me to have a good summer in return. You just walked away, not even acknowledging that I had gone out of my way, to be nice TO YOU. You don't hate me Lily, but you know what? I'd rather be hated by you. Instead, you show absolutely no feelings to me! You avoid me, you shun me, as if you could never possibly come close to me. I'm some sort of disease to you! And then, today, I help YOU out with a boggart. I went out of MY way to help you! Not only that, but I saw that your worst fear is being with me!"

Lily was sniffling. She had never felt so bad, because everything that he was saying was true, and she refused to admit it. She refused to give in. She defensively cried, "You don't know that James!"

James put his wand aside. He laughed, and asked with a grin, "Oh no? I don't know that?" Lily thought that she had found her opportunity, once again, to escape, but James was too fast for her. The instant that she moved to run away, he grabbed her and pulled her into a tight embrace.

"Leave me alone, James!" Lily protested and tried to crawl out of his rather strong arms. Stupid quidditch player! She continued to try and get out of his grasp. "You're hurting me!" She was lying, of course.

James pressed on, ignoring her "Is that why you were screaming, Lily? Because I was kissing you?"

Lily was pleading with him. "Stop! James, please!"

"You were white with fear Lily. And all because it was me that you were kissing! It was because James Potter, of all people, was with you. IT WAS YOUR WORST FEAR! It was because you could never admit that maybe I'm not such a bad guy after all. You'll always act like I am that bad. TELL ME LILY, AM I REALLY THAT BAD? LOOK INTO MY EYES AND TELL ME THAT I'M THAT HORRIBLE!"

Lily was shaking. His gaze was so strong. She was limp; if he wasn't holding her, she would have surely fallen down. She whispered meekly, "Yes. You're that horrible." Her eyes held a different opinion, and she just looked helplessly at James. She tried hitting him, but she had little force to do so.

"You just never stop fighting, do you?" James asked her with a sad smile.

Lily couldn't take it anymore. She began to cry. She sobbed, "No!" as she leaned in and hugged him. She had finally given in. James hugged her back, and it was the nicest, warmest feeling that she had felt in a very long time.

"Oh, James you're wonderful!" she said.

James pulled away with a confused expression. "What?" He laughed. "You barely know me."

Lily laughed, in spite of herself. "I doubt you really care about me anymore. I know you just wanted an apology, but I'll be honest. My opinion of you really changed when…well, when I overheard you at the end of the last year." She blushed. So did James.

"What?" he asked, taken aback.

"Well, I heard you say that you still care about me very much, and that was the first time I really thought about you since fifth year in a serious way. I guess I was so surprised that you were that nice that I didn't know how to react."

"Is that why you pushed me away?"

"Well, what was I supposed to do?"

"You could have tried to be my friend."

Lily smiled. "You're right. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings."

"Well, you know, it's not too late to try and make it up to me." James said hopefully.

"Ok" Lily said brightly. "James, will you be my friend"

He grinned widely. "Yes. I'd love to be your friend. And just to let you know, I like it better when you call me James."

"I like being called Lily too."

"Good."

"I also like it better when four Marauders don't corner me and try their best to bother the hell out of me. I especially hate it when they laugh at me for it."

"We really wanted to know how you feel."

"I almost cursed Remus, I was so upset."

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"You're right. I'm not."

"That's terrible."

"As a friend, I'll never do it again."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes."

"Good, because it really confused me. One minute you're behind me, the next you're not. Same thing with Remus."

"It's hard to figure you out. We weren't sure what we were supposed to do."

"You discuss me with your friends?"

"I guess so, yes."

"Oh."

There was a long pause, before Lily rose up. "I have to write a letter. It's my mother's birthday."

James stood up, smiling brightly. "All right. Could I at least walk you up to the Owlrey?"

"If you'd like to. It's rather dull, but-" She stopped talking when she saw his hopeful face. "I mean, yes." Lily turned around to the quill and parchment to finally write her letter. She turned around, "James?"

"Mmm?"

"Are your parents…?"

"They're fine."

"Oh. Ok, good!"

"Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"You think that we could be more than friends?"

Lily walked up to him and mussed up his hair playfully. James blushed, but he smiled. He enjoyed the intimacy of the gesture, as he would have never expected Lily to do such a thing. Lily, replied, "I think I've wanted it like that for a long time. In fact, I think it's my worst fear now that it will never happen."

James laughed. "Good. Oh, and Lily?"

"Yes?"

"It's hard not to discuss with your friends the one girl that you're crazy about. Ok? They meant the best by everything."

"Oh." Lily blushed. "Oh, I see."

"Lily?"

"James?"

He leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. "Oh nothing. It's just that I'm afraid too."


End file.
